1. You are in the Witness Protection Program and must invent a new first, middle, and last name.
Dweezil Chewbacca Smithleejones.

2.You are in a threesome with two famous people, alive or dead. Who are they?
Ann Coulter and Hillary Clinton.

3. You are in charge of naming your new band. What’s the name of the band?
Catheter Hepburn. First album: Shoes that Match the Bag.

4. You are going to get a free tattoo. What would it be?
The letter “b” three times on the crown of my head.

5. You are being forced to listen to one song over and over, ad infinitum, as a form of torture. What song is it?
“It’s a Small World”

6. You are leaving your state/province. What state do you move to?
Illinois

7. You are leaving your country, where would you move?
France

8. You get to choose one book as the best ever written. What book do you choose?
CHOKE by Chuck Palahniuk.

9. You get to choose one movie as the best ever made. What movie do you choose?
L. A. Story

10. You get to spend one day each as a bird, an insect, and a mammal. What bird would you be? What insect? What mammal?
Hawk, spider, dolphin.

11. You get to relive one year of your life. Which year?
Age 3. I have so very few childhood memories…

12. Which would you least like to relive?
Age 31. I did a lot of stupid things that year, and while I wouldn’t change any of them, I sure as fuck don’t want to relive them.

13. You have a time machine that will take you backwards anywhere from 1800 to the present. What decade do you most want to visit?
1800 - 1810, Japan

14. You must choose to go skydiving or very-deep-sea diving.
Skydiving. This is hardly a forced choice.

15. You get to return to the past (using that handy dandy time machine we were talking about before) and have a sexual encounter with a rock star that is no longer alive.
Karen Carpenter. I’m fascinated with the idea of having sex with a kite.

16. You get to be a contestant on any game show, airing today or in the past. What show do you want to be on?
Battle of the Network Stars.

17. You are given $1 million dollars but you must give it all to one charity. What charity do you choose?
Something for animals, probably. Or dyslexics. It’s so sad to see people spelling backwards.

18. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban?
Sphygomanometer. If it weren’t for that damned word, I would have been sixth grade spelling bee champion.

(Edited to note: the correct fucking spelling is sphygmomanometer. Fuck.)

19. You can have 100 million dollars tax-free but if you take it, you’ll die at the age of 50. Do you take it?
Sounds like an acceptable gamble to me. It’s not as though I’m guaranteed life after 50 if I’m poor.