Dairy of a Madman

This is your author. This is your author after drugs. Any questions?

You would think that a guy who has been on the Interweb since just after it’s birth would be more careful about posting anything and everything about himself online, wouldn’t you? And yet, sadly, you’d be mistaken. Of course, we are talking about a guy who has nothing you’d want to steal, too. And a really bad credit history, so identity thieves would really just be shooting themselves in the foot with this one. Hey, future voters: he smoked and inhaled. A lot. Too much, in fact. Ladies? You’d find all this shit out eventually anyway, and better to hear it from my mouth now, right?

Members of law enforcement: you can’t prove that I wrote any of this. I may not even know the guy who’s stringing all these words together. In fact, safety first: PLAUSIBLE DENIALABILITY! I call Shenanigans in advance. It seems the wisest course to take…

In short: I’m a web designer, computer programmer, short film creator, songwriter, bassist, award-winning screenwriter, a writer of stuff, a part-time bartender and the best thing that you never had. I’ve written for Birmingham Weekly and Mental_Floss, among others. I have two cats, an obsession with 5.1 Surround (especially Porcupine Tree DVD-audio), and a keen eye for the opposite of fashion. Turn-ons include long walks on the beach, exotic cuisine, and the films of Fellini.

Here’s 49 random facts about me, provided by friends, family, and a crazy person who sometimes wakes me at five AM with poetry about asphalt burns and Jagermeister stains; and comments, provided by me and the voices in my head:

1. You snore when you sleep alone, but not when someone is next to you.
2. You give great massages.
3. doesn’t sleep much unless he has a migraine. it’s because I’m scared to death of snoring, don’tcha know?
4. You don’t eat onions.
5. Knows when to say when, then blows past that moment full steam.
6. 15 percent of his body is numb at any given instant.
7. If I didn’t know you were borderline OCD, the cleanliness of your apartment would lead me to believe you were gay. what about my love of Andrew Lloyd Webber? And ‘Trading Spaces’?
8. Adolph and Ari are really cool cats. But this also applies to the above. Of course, you can take one look at my utter lack of style and inability to dance, and immediately it’s apparent that I’m just a wannabe.
9. You don’t like talking on the phone, except to Bree.
10. Your voice is so soothing it puts me to sleep. This is why I don’t talk during sex.
11. Curly double crowns with a sweet baby neck. This is my mom. Obviously.
12. Thinks football is soccer. Thinks baseball is gay.
    
13. Fun to watch
14. Morphs at will
15. You get goofy without caffeine and nicotine. I get goofy with oxygen and sunlight, too.
16. Bright
17. Can insult you in binary *and* hexadecimal.
18. Loves Hondas. To death.
19. types way fast
20. Tenderhearted
21. Sensitive to others
22. Looks cool in his new car
23. Your second home is Bailey’s I think that might actually be ‘home’. Fortunately, I only pay rent at that storage place that I used to live in.
24. You have fluffy hair Women love my hair.
25. Kenn told me his IQ once, and he made me promise never to tell anyone else. I’ve hidden my single digit issues for 36 years. Not giving up now!
26. Knows surprising number of nicknames for incredibly heinous sexual acts. I feel this makes up for the extremely low IQ, yeah?
    
27. Impetuous
28. Resourceful
29. You love Family Guy
30. Believes if he photographs the sunset enough, will capture its soul.
31. Could pack and move in the time it takes mortals to find empty boxes.
32. You no longer drive a truck Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”
33. Do not leave Kenn and Neely alone with a Sharpie.
34. You own one of the most comfortable sleeping sofas known in the history of man.
35. People should never leave you alone with a bottle of hair color. Imagine if I were left alone with four bottles. Or ten…!
36. You’re frightened of being known
37. You are one of the only people I know who digs ELO as much as I do, if not more.
38. music lover
39. Dr. Pepper man
40. You’re a good listener
41. When Ocean Spray comes out with CranVodka, it’s over.
42. very witty
43. list maker No I’m not — I have you all to do that for me!
44. You’re a complete cheeseball.
45. You talk to your animals as if they were human. I also talk to humans as though they were animals. I’m just trying to bring some balance to my world.
46. You wear clothes that are 5 sizes too big for you.
47. makes KILLER compilations CD’s— I mean KILLERRRRRRRR DILLERRRRRRRRR
48. hates the sound of eating mac and cheese
49. Women want to be him. Other women want to be with him. Still other women want to beat him.