LOVE… is a way of feeling
LOVE is a way of feeling less alone
So what’s all the fuss about?!?
-Strapping Young Lad, Love?

I thought briefly about calling my old friend Sammy Hagar for a little help with this. He is, after all, responsible for that challenging and provocative set of lyrics for When It’s Love. But Sam’s on the road right now, and his cell phone is dead, so it looks like I’m on my own with this one.

Today’s show, kids, is sponsored by the ages-ancient puzzle and mystery of love. It’s a riddle wrapped in an enigma packaged in black velvet lining and smothered in secret sauce. What is love? How do we know when we’re there? Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? (With respect to Harris K. Telemacher, of course)

There’s love, in a generic sense. It’s the love you feel for friends, the ones that you would do anything for, even sacrificing the things most important to you.

There’s familial love, which is (to my mind) not really love, as it’s something we’re conditioned to feel, a responsibility more than an emotion. [NOTE: I love my family very much. Not because I have to, but because I have chosen to. There are more than a few just-outside-of-immediate family members that I’m not terribly fond of; it makes family reunions a little prickly, but hey, who needs love in the name of obligation, anyway?]

There’s being in love, and here’s where things start to get a little sticky. I’m going to say that being in love with someone is way different than loving them, but not. Being in love is infatuation, a crush that you can’t ignore, obsessive thoughts, wildly romantic dreams, fantasies, temporary insanity. It’s the part where you can get hurt, but realize later that it’s just a scrape. It’s wanting to know everything and then more about the object of your desire.

Romantic love, I think, is a combination of the love of a friend and being in love. For many, being in love fades over time — I think it’s those couples that find romantic love (sexual chemistry, if we want to be blunt) but discover that there is no friendship underlying their connection are the ones that you hear about most often. For a lucky few, being in love never fades. For most, being in love becomes a very small part of a very intense love of friend.

There is an important difference, though, between the love of friends and romantic love, the ideal. One is a promise of fidelity, the vow you make to your interest that he or she is the only one toward whom you feel this way; you can have all the friends you want, and none of them are going to be pissed off that you have other friends (unless they have some very real issues). The other is sexual chemistry — and you may share this with some of your friends (also known as friends with benefits, fuckbuddies, and tragedies waiting to happen).

When is too soon to be in love? Who is to say? There’s no right or wrong answer here; that totally depends on your definition of love. If it requires knowing everything about someone, then yeah, you’ve probably never been in love and never will. If it’s a gut feeling, then that first dance could be it for you. But just because you’re not in touch with your emotions, or because someone feels differently than you, there’s no real good reason to criticize them or call them immature; really, isn’t there enough negative shit in the world that we should encourage all the love we can?

Those who are in love can be real assholes, demonstrating no deeper love behind the infatuation. But does that lessen what they feel? Even though they’re willing to fight to get their girl all to themselves, even if they are neglectful or manipulative, does that invalidate what they feel? I don’t think so. It’s not a strong love, I posit, but it’s there, and valid and real.

Ideally, though, you’ll search for and find the best combination of romantic and friendly love. There is truly nothing better than the feeling of the headlong rush of a crush, the early stages of romance, falling and drifting into the heart and soul of another person — until you find that you can have all of that, and a longer, deeper, more intense kind of love that some of you might claim only for a god. Add that to the falling head over heels, and you find that everything else fades into the background.

Am I in love? I don’t know. I want to be, I told Neely when she asked. But it’s not so important to me — what I am is what I am, and what we are is… what…

Fucking Edie Brickell. I don’t know about too many things, but I know I want to kill when she sings.

What I have with Red is what it is. And that’s fine; labels and pigeonholes won’t change a thing. But I’m not afraid to be in love with her, one day if not today. It’s a good feeling, that mixed with the friendly love I have for her.

I think the truest love, though, the one that we should all strive for, is the one that hopes for happiness, success, and ease, one that hopes for the best for the other person. It’s not an easy thing to do — to let go of what you think might be the best you’ll ever find. But wouldn’t you be happiest if you knew that your dream chose you because she wanted to, not because you guilted or manipulated or tricked her into it?

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, set it on fire.