Dairy of a Madman

Life is good.

Very nearly drained of the Effexor, finally suffering no more strange arrythmic vertigoes, and anxious to see what a return to normalcy is like.

Haver… well, there’s that. I want to write so much, and yet don’t. Partly because of the hour, partly because I’m afraid to jinx this. So…. I leave this to memory and imagination.

Saw the stars last night, and was positively overwhelmed at the beauty and immensity of it all. For a few minutes, the dream was real, I was awake, and those moments are forever burned into my mind like the dreams. And I’m glad I was able to share it with someone.

I feel a renewed sense of self, closer to what I claim and want to be. Feeling more open and honest in the past week. I’m amazed it took so long, when there’s really no excuse for it, but the capper on this feeling is a deeper and more honest sense of communication with Wade — after 25 years, I would figure it would have been as it should be, with open and intelligent discussion about issues… But apparently both of us are too content to let things slide and heal.. Hopefully, communication lines will remain open, and our friendship can grow.

Haver’s family is amazing and wonderful and so welcoming. Just a few hours with them and I felt totally accepted and at home.

Home… my definition comes back into sight, both in concept and reality.

And now, to bed. Probably to read, but it’s the thought that counts.

Or is that May? Fuck, who cares?

What a time to be alive and me in the world of LaLaLand. Unemployed as of Tuesday, and busier than I’ve been in months if not years. Getting ready for the Red Bull Writer’s Block documentary competition this weekend. Getting ready for Sidewalk. Working audio on HIDE AND CREEP. Went into the studio with Eric and Chance to do the Exhibit(s) msuic for H&C, and am more jazzed than I’ve been in a while to get in a work on the next AEX disc. Catching up at the moment on a few web sites and then back to audio work. May even find time to read or watch one of a billion DVDs before I fall asleep at sunrise.

And then there’s Haver, about which I’ll leave imaginations working. But I feel good, and I think this might be a feeling that hangs around for a while.

Finally saw PASSION OF THE CHRIST, and must say two things. One, easily the most intense movie I’ve ever seen (though the devil kids and Judas, I think, were unnecessary distractions). Two… I need to go to church. Not out of a sense of obligation or duty, but to start looking for answers to questions. I may never find those answers, but I can’t not explore the ideas.

Moving back on my own at the end of this month (technically, I’ll probably start around the 20th, but I’m taking some time to do it slowly, and cleaning the new place superdupergood). It’s a nice feeling — knowing that my own space is coming back. Kevin and Liesl are great roommates, where roommates are concerned, but I need my own space, my kingdom, my domain. And my own fridge.

And Adolf’s been petitioning for his own room, so there’s that, too.

Who needs a job? Let’s just cut out the middleman and get straight to the paycheck, shall we?

Too many thoughts to give accurate writing time to…

This weekend, the documentary, and if I have time (between that and an Exhibit(s) show) I’ll attempt to document that experience here. If nothing else, it’ll be a good learning experience in the world of documentary filmmaking, and I hope I can get Wade involved in the process somewhere. I sense that he’s eager to get involved and learn, and it’d be nice to be able to suck him into the temporal vortex that is filmmaking. Tomorrow night, the before party and basic prep; Saturday, starting early, filming and editing, alternately, through the day, until 9 PM; from there, set up and play until I fall down. Nap, more editing, film due at the Kudu by 4 PM (NO FUCKING LATE TURN INS THIS TIME!). 7-10 at the Kudu — Catchfire plays, documentary viewings, me projectioning, and hopefully winning some money. Then, the sleep of the dead.

And hopefully, I’ll have the energy to go to church on Sunday.

Thank god for Labor Day, a holiday I’ll force myself to take.