I Can See Your House From Here - Archives
vol 2 number 20
Thank Hollywood for the Matrix. As rapidly as we are approaching science fiction, I would be amazed if we don't see replicants, tricorders, and maybe even a Daggitt or two in our lifetime. It's all right around the corner, if the news is to be believed; of course, so is the cure for the common cold, and Ozzy Osbourne's final tour. Science fiction has almost become irrelevant, because once it's true and available for experience on a daily basis, it become drama, or comedy, or mockumentary. Fortunately, there's the Matrix, which is obviously far away (the temporal distance can be calculated based upon the fun factor inherent in the technology promised).
Something that's not so far away -- closer than most things, in fact -- is cloning. In 1997, the first sheep was successfully cloned, a feat which impressed scientists and Scots everywhere. Since then, there have been cattle, rats, and even human embryos created by mad scientists with distinctly unromantic names like Dr. Tanja Dominko and Dr. Don P. Wolf (my kingdom for a Frankenstein!). Their work has been hit and miss, as much a matter of luck and trial and error as scientific know-how and technological advancement.
With all good news headlines comes controversy, though. The United States and Britain led the way in condemning the practice of cloning, outlawing human cloning and often denouncing further research into the matter as edging on playing God. Admittedly, this isn't far from being charged with playing Bluebeard or Warren Ellis for some of us, but the ethical questions are difficult to answer, at the very least. There's the issue of mass production cheapening the value of the human life, and of raising clones specifically for medical donations, and of tampering with the natural order of things.
To these, I thoughtfully respond: 1) Mass production hasn't helped the market value of PlayStation2s or Lexuses (Lexi?); I predict that the price of humans, copy or original, with remain high at least until a superior model with better graphics processing and a high quality leather interior is released.
2) Let's see: we raise cats and dogs as pets (imagined being kidnapped for life by someone who thought you were really cute, even if they do feed you the canine equivalent of hot dogs three times a day), swine and poultry as food, and cattle as pants and footballs. If we could make liver transplants as easy to get as leather jackets or a poorly cooked pork chop, I'd have to think it wouldn't be an entirely bad thing.
3) We put multi-ton machines in the air with people in them. We've harnessed the power of the atom to use against our fellow man. The Indians trade Roberto Alomar, Harry Potter is a million dollar franchise, industrial sprawl is at an all-time high, and we're worried about tampering with nature?
My real interest in cloning, though, lies not with the philosophical underpinnings, but the untapped potential. Even science fiction hasn't really covered these issues, to my knowledge, and I truly think that some breakthrough research could be performed, granting us knowledge, a wealth of information... and entertainment.
In the Dark Horse comics that extend the Star Wars franchise, (and hinted at in the upcoming movie), clones are used to build armies of galactic proportions, and to extend the life of the Emperor (AKA Senator Palpatine) indefinitely. Not bad ideas, but the execution is awful. First, the stormtroopers -- rumored to be an army of clones -- obviously didn't come from the best batch of genetic material. If you've got that many troops that can't hit a damned Wookie from down a hallway, you need to rethink your source material. And what the hell was Palpatine thinking, transferring his spirit from one shriveled hideous body to the next? He might as well have cloned Yoda and used those bodies to carry him to immortality. Frankly, if he had the technology, I would have liked to have seen him having some fun -- maybe one life in a Jabba the Hutt body, another in Luke's (and who could resist the urge to live at least a few days in a Natalie Portman reproduction?).
I think it might be amusing to take a clone of myself and raise it in a monastery, teaching it the ways of the masters of thought, giving it a pure and clean consciousness. Then, he and I -- or is that me and I? -- meet in the arena of battle, fighting to the death. Then we can see if good really does always triumph over evil.
Along those same lines, let's have a match between two mes, one of which has to fight fair, while the other is allowed to get as dirty as he/I wants. Then I'll videotape it, mass market the DVDs, and finally answer the idiots who want to know why I go for the eyes and throat first time out.
I'll need four more of me to start the ultimate band. No longer will I have to collaborate with anyone. I'll never have to strain to get musicians to understand what I want. Of course, the fights will put Steven Tyler and Joe Perry to shame, but still, I'd love to know: when push comes to shove, would I have the heart to fire me?
I certainly wouldn't mind running a few experiments on myself, to test the envelope. How much can I drink before *really* becoming too dangerous to operate a car? What would happen to my brain if I stayed awake for six days straight? Would I become a shambling idiot if I read every Danielle Steele book ever written, pausing only for the occasional cold shower? I'm certainly not willing to run the risks, but maybe if there were more than one of me...
The problem is that we're stuck playing the classic opening game of Religion vs Science. It's a chess match that began, in one of its many permutations, thousands of years ago, a game that almost always ends in stalemate. I propose that the best solution is to take the sport out of the traditional arenas and get it a good TV deal, hire a couple of phenomenal writers -- make it less a game of Life (so to speak) and more like a WWF pay per view. I'm tired of the endless battle of Ehrlenmeyer Flask vs. Eternal Soul; let's make it too good to pass up. After all, You can almost guarantee that your neighbor in the pews will be your twinner in the armchair later that day, if not for the NFL then for the X-Files.
And really, who wouldn't love their own personal life-sized Scully or Mulder to keep around the house?
Best of all, no longer will I ever have to go to work again, because my clone will head down and do the HTML work during the day, and then head out to wait tables at night. This will allow me more time to study -- no, wait, that will require another clone. So now I can work on my music and screenwriting -- wait, make that two more. Screw it. I'm ordering twenty copies of me, and then I'm going to bed. Forever.