Tuesday, January 31, 2006:

There are times in life when I read Desiderata for comfort, to remind me of all things that I'm trying to be. It's a great poem, if I haven't mentioned it before... hovering halfway between new age and honest spirituality, and maybe leaning more toward one than I'm willing to admit. But regardless, it's helpful. It's serves to help me stay focused, to avoid the bullshit that my own mind creates.

But sometimes, I'm reminded of the truth beneath the surfaces that we choose to see. That the universe unfolds as it will.

Events converge and twist and wind their ways into a bigger stream. And we can choose to view those events as signs pointing us to something ahead, or misinterpret them, or ignore them altogether.

Being a skeptic is not easy, questioning everything all the time. It's awfully hard to arrive at any answers this way, for those who think it might be a good path to follow...

At any rate:

These aren't signs that are big and neon and flashing with catchy slogans. I mean, they good be, I suppose. But that would both take the fun out of it, as well as making the ignoring and misinterpreting pretty moronic.

On the one hand, my mind is trapped between the stuff of epic stories, universes created specifically to come together at the climax in a "howthefuckdidinotseethiscoming?" head-slap, and reality, cold hard facts, Chaostown, population: the human race. On the other, this is where I choose to live, holding hope in one hand carefully while I walk through the madness and horror that writhes between me and the end.

Creations. All of it. Nothing but what we put there, take away, and choose to acknowledge.

Challenges and obstacles. Tests. If you want something so badly, something that you've dreamed of since you were a child, something that fills your most vivid memories, how much will you sacrifice to obtain it? What will you gamble? How much risk will you take? How badly do you want it?

Badly enough to hope?

There is no obstacle strong enough to hold us back from what we want, if we want it badly enough to never give up.

Perhaps part of the universe unfolding as it should is eyes opening when they are supposed to?

I need a vacation. Chicago: snow, big city, blues, and, best of all, intrigue and hope for a better future.

And this summer, beach. I need to hear some waves again.